I think God definitely has a sense of humor

Matt and I are so appreciative of all the emails, FB messages and comments, texts that we receive from you all containing all sorts of encouragement. I have been blessed by pretty much my whole graduating class by everyone's individual adoption stories. Stories of being adopted, placing a child for adoption, surrogacy, infertility issues, miscarriages, the list is endless. We have been receiving tons of advice and questions as to "have we tried..?" I promise we haven't left a single stone unturned. We have gone down the road towards international adoption, private domestic adoption, "word of mouth" adoption, friend having a baby for us turned huge mistake adoption, friends of friends who know of friends giving up their baby adoptions, CPS foster to adopt adoptions and surrogacy adoptions. The common denominator to the above list is lots and lots of money. Like $30K+ kind of money due all at once. I suppose it would be morally unethical to place your child on a lay-a-way plan. ;) At this point we have 2 bullets worth of ammunition remaining, although I am most certain God has way more than we do. At times when I've just about had it, I look up to the sky and purposefully roll my eyes and shout some pretty harsh words towards the One who knows me and my life best. Have you ever done that, said some pretty loaded words to God that it automatically sends this electrical shock of "oh crap, I'm so going to hell" too late to take back reaction? OH COME ON...NEVER?? I know I am not the only one?! I was told this was actually a pretty healthy relationship to have with God. He would much rather hear from you come rain or shine, than to never hear from you, and that is how a relationship with our Lord begins. Ha, fancy that! Allow me to quickly brief you on how some adoption agency's function; some charge you by the specific race, age, based on your last 2 income tax returns, others are "free" and some charge a flat fee. We initially signed on with an agency here in DFW that, after we had filled out half a tree's worth of papers, informed us if we wanted to adopt a Caucasian infant it would be $40K, a half Caucasian half Hispanic infant $35K, Hispanic infant $30K, Half Caucasian half African American $28K and so on and so forth.. Yes, I am serious. For some educated reason or commonsense of another I would have said that sounds like child trafficking or the black market to me, even then I bet we would have gotten a better deal from the black market. (Horrible humor, but when you have lived through all the "wonderful" things we have, it's important to be able to laugh about them)! Some agency's require you to have life insurance, health insurance (duh), make a certain amount of money a year, credit report, 2-5 reference letters one must be from a Pastor, drug screening, letter from your school districts Superintendent, letter from the elementary school principal in which your child will attend according to your current residence, fire & health inspection of your home, pediatrician, pediatric dentist, 401K/IRA/money mutual accounts, 3 copies of a scrapbook of your family & life, FBI fingerprints taken, copy of HS diploma, college degree, drivers license, SS, blood type, birth certificates, etc...BUT EVERY AGENCY REQUIRES A CURRENT HOMESTUDY! dun-dun-duuuun! Can you imagine retaining all of the above to have some rookie CPS caseworker who just graduated from college (A&M @ that ;)j/k, but not really kidding) LOSE IT ALL. Yes LOSE as in "misplace it ALLLL!!!" Can you tell it happened to us? So to all my fellow adopters: fax/scan/email your original copies to agency, make an extra copy of your original copy, file a copy of the originals w/your originals and scan your original copy onto your desktop with a folder titled "DO NOT LOSE IT ALL AGAIN MISS LADY!" Yeah, soooo all those floods, volcanic eruptions, earthquakes and hurricanes that have happened in the last 2 yrs along with the extremely over dramatic FB status updates, were all due to my reaction of the above scenario that happened TWICE!!!! Grrrr..makes my blood pressure rise even when I think about that one instance. Yes, you read correctly, that 1 instance. Oh yeah buddy, there are so many more. But that may require dinner and drinks, free mobile to mobile minutes, a short 5 hour drive to Midland or a very long 2 hour drive from Midland to Lubbock! I will not go into detail about our 12hour, non-stop interview with our social-worker called the Homestudy that we bombed. That is for another day, when God graces me with the forgiveness that I have yet to ask for regarding that lovely lady and the board in which she answers to. So I will end with a funny lil story that took place during our Homestudy! One of the questions our social-worker asked us was, "would you change your child's name if they are under the age of 2 and placed in your home?" I immediately said no, never. Then Matt counteracted with, "pssshhhh, uh YES!" I gave him THE look. You know, THE look you give your other half when they need to agree with you because you are always right? Yeah, that one! So of course she tells Matt, the charmer, "now that's what I wanted to hear right there, that's the answer I was looking for." Matt then shot me the "I-am-mocking-your-look" kind of look. Grinning like the Grinch who's heart grew 2 sizes more. Matt continues explaining how if a child who came into our home had an offensive name he would elect to have it changed. I chimed in with my 2 cents worth and said if that was the case then we could come up with a nickname or abbreviate it no need in changing the whole thing. Matt began to tell her of his cousin in Iowa who fostered and is now adopting an infant who's name is Aryan. And she was placed in CPS because her father was a leader of a white supremacist group and purposefully spelled and named her Aryan. Again, I added, "well if that was our case we could just call her Ariel." At this point the social-worker was completely over it and me. She then told us that a few weeks prior, she had to place a small boy in foster care who's name was United States of America Gonzalez. I covered my face and tried not to laugh as I said under my breath while shaking my head, "aye mi gente!" Translation, "oh my people!" Matt laughed and looked straight at me because it was referring to my people and said, "boom miss thang! what are you going to possibly do with that." I said chuckling that we could just call him USA, Matt suggested us calling him Estados Unidos! Alright Alright..I get it. You can't possibly salvage every name. The social-worker continued and told of several idiotic parents who curse their children for life by the names they give them. She had to place a young boy whose name was spelled S-H-I-T-H-E-A-D. Now how do you suppose his name is pronounced? If you said the obvious you are in the 99.9 percentile, however it is pronounced "sha-theed" oh yeah there's more. A little girl spells her name "La-a" this one is tricky but take a guess at how it's pronounced. ERRRRRNT, wrong! Pronounced Ladasha. There is one more, but I cannot for the life of me remember it. All in all, God has a sense of humor and blesses us with one when it comes down to shutting one door to bust open another. We are moving on and forward with a hometown adoption agency called Addy's Hope Adoption Agency of Midland, TX!! It is exciting to know that one day, even a year from now our little boy will be a fellow Midlander just like his mommy! Yep, I said it..a little boy! I will tell you how I know for a sure it will be a boy next time :)

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I think God showed up in a classroom

WOW! My has it been a long time! My last blog post was over a year ago & trust me when I say a couple hundred wild and crazy events have happened along the way. But that is for another blog another day. Nevertheless, it's a joyous homecoming to be tapping the keys once again.

On October 25th, 2012 (Thursday) I celebrated by second anniversary of being 29 ;) Our church reached out and asked for volunteers that specific day for anyone interested in reading to an elementary school in West Dallas. I couldn't resist and immediately replied with an enthusiastic "absolutely!" What better way to spend the morning of my birthday than to give a gift rather than receiving gifts. I began to pray over the unassigned classroom, praying for the starving hearts of these second graders. I began to wonder if God was sending me into one of the worse DISD schools, on record, for a specific reason. My mind began to wrap itself around the opportunity of ministering to these students or stamping some sort of impact on their hearts. My excitement escalated at that point! "YES! This was a test from God to see if I would lay down my selfish plans for a greater good and so far I've passed!!" I boastfully exclaimed to Matt. He smiled and agreed. We had snacks, juice boxes and book markers to hand out after I read the two books. Man-O-Man, we are about to bless some kiddos today!

There were 20 second graders gratefully greeting us as soon as we entered their portable building. The teacher, who we were told was named Mrs. Harris, turned out to be a substitute teacher for Mrs. Harris. Ooo, even better! I had a sour taste in my mouth, a slight hesitation towards Miss Substitute Teacher. As she dismissed them row by row to join me on the reading carpet, every student approached me with an introduction followed by a hand shake. How sweet and polite! As we settled in, I asked a couple of questions as an "ice breaker" sort of thing. For instance, what are you going to be for Halloween? Oh man, the arms flew quickly into the air eagerly waiting for their turn to share. One little Hispanic boy told a quick story of how he ended up with 5 costumes. He brazenly told of his father who, I suspect, cleans up rented houses after the tenants break their leases. Furthermore, he added that while cleaning up this one particular house, his father came upon 5 abandoned Halloween costumes. His eyes lit up as if on Christmas morning. He also displayed this erratic dismay of indecisiveness as to which costume to wear. Two things I thought while listening to his story:

1. WOW! This kid totally accepts who he is and who his parents are and what they do! I remember being weary of sharing who my parents were and what they did because I never wanted to come across as this misplaced brat who should be in private school. That brave little soul just spoke to my insecurities loud and clear!
2. His excitement and complete anxiety as to which costume to wear. He started out with Zero, with withered hopes of even receiving 1 costume and now he has 5! God was present that day his father cleaned that house. Who knows what the little boy prayed for regardless God knew the desires of his parents heart and that was to be able to provide for their son and that all came to fruition.

Yeah yeah.. you might say. That's a stretch. But I went in this classroom with an open heart waiting to see God move some mountains...by using me as a messenger. Oh wait!! It get's a 'lil better.
So as I continued to call on these spectacular students this one boy sitting right at my feet, who was also touching my toenails and shoes complementing both, kept shouting out out of turn, "I AM SMART!" Not boasting nor stating, but simply informing me. I gave him the acknowledgement that he craved and replied, "YES YOU ARE!" Once I started reading and turning the pages I would pause for a few seconds and ask a question pertaining to the characters of the book. Every single question was answered by the one and only "I AM SMART" guy! This kid would even hesitate to answer allowing for others to take a shot, but when the room was met with silence he proudly gave the answer followed by the statement, "see..I told you I was smart." "Yes you are," I continued to edify. And reassured the rest of the class that they too were smart. (Insert spooky, 'here comes the monster' music) The substitute about had enough with his comments of "I AM SMART" so much that she told him to hush every time he would state his truth. It finally lead to a separation from the rest of the class sitting next to her in the back. :(
The experience was great. I even had a little girl tell me how pretty I was and that I had Barbie hair! Tickled my heart some shade of Barbie pink!

So, I don't know if I made an impact or not. I don't know if these kids experienced some sort of immaculate epiphany, however, I left there being and feeling impacted.

3 days later I was moved by some reason to start blogging again. UGH.. I'm still a tad bit emotional and jaded from this last adoption fail and I do not want to come across as a bitter, depressed lil chickadee. I don't know what to blog about. I completely ignored the urge to blog and turned on the good ole tele. I watched Oprah's lifeclass with Pastor Joel Osteen and the topic was "I AM.."
As women we often say statements such as, "I am fat, I am broke, I am unworthy, I am losing my mind, I am tired" etc...
My mind immediately grabbed the memory of the little boy at my feet, you know, the "I AM SMART" guy? Like I stated above, this kid wasn't boasting about it or stating it, and at the time I thought he was informing me of his kid-genius. Turns out, he was just standing in his TRUTH. He was claiming and accepting of who God made him, along with the little Hispanic boy. They wore their Truth's that God placed in their fist sized hearts and just wanted to share it with me. God did not blow His breath to create life of mediocrity, shame, depression, insecurities, fear, jealousy or abandonment. He created life so that we could live it to it's fullest. We are none of those things. That is just what the enemy wants us to hear and believe; he is a kill joy. How uncomfortable are we women, men too, to state the truth of "I AM BEAUTIFUL?"  Is it because we feel as though we aren't, are we comparing ourselves to others who are the stereotypical definition of beautiful? Or is it because we are scared of what others may thing of us when we say, I AM BEAUTIFUL? Fearful of judgement, fearful of the judgement turned into gossip? Remember those are all lies from hell. We all have that "substitute teacher" that wants to hush us up and separate us from the truth. God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7.
I don't know about you but I do not want to be a stereotypical beauty/skinny girl nor do I want to feel like a victim of circumstance or statistic. You are never going to be happy if you keep trying to be someone else or trying to keep up with Jones', more like the Kardashian's, for this generation. Ha! No one can beat you being you. God uniquely made one of everything, hence the struggle of cloning. Our lives take us on unique paths that we often compare our dreary "season" to one's triumphant "season". Those who are living in victory just came out of their God appointed dreary season too. God did not promise this was going to be an easy life, but He did promise that you would come out better than you were before. Wherever you are, that is where you are supposed to be. Nothing ever really happens to you, but things are happening for you! You are worthy and as long as you have breath someone out there needs you.

God did show up in that classroom as I expected. He wasn't worried about working through me to change the lives of others, after all, I mean..He is God, He can do change all by himself! But it was His children that forever made a stamp on my heart!

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I think God text me today...

  I went over to a dear friend of mines house early this morning to pick up some Mary Kay products she left for me on her porch as she ALWAYS has for the past 3 months. Twice a month, I venture over to her neck of the woods & pull up into her driveway expecting to see a beautiful package with my name scribbled on a florescent green star. I knew it would be there, she told me it would. When I pulled up to my surprise, I didn't see anything. I got out of my car and peeked behind a brick pillar & nada. I sent her a quick text saying, "hey, I'm at your house & I don't see the package." No sooner than a second passed as I received a text in response, stating "it's there look up!"

Today is an extremely emotional day for me. We just received word that my aunt has just passed & even though we knew this day was drawing near, the sting that death leaves is never one that anyone can rightfully prepare for. My heart aches for my cousins, now motherless & for my mother whose daughter cannot be there to comfort her. There is over 300 miles that separate us and not to mention we have our adoption benefit concert tonight which I am extremely excited & nervous about, otherwise, I'd be on the first flight out!

This concert tonight sets an entirely different milestone in my life. Tons of people gathering to hear our story, God's story. People will be in attendance tonight who are standing & supporting us prayerfully through this adoption most who are complete strangers :)  Nerve wracking yet so exciting! My nerves get the best of me during times like this. "Will there be enough room, what if no one shows up, what if we don't raise enough money, what if, what if, what if..!! Then God gently whispers, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to Me. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6      Ahhh...much better!

Then I think about how the rest of my family is feeling & a feeling of guilt begins to overshadow my joy. Should I be happy and this excited during such a time as this? The old catholic in me begins to elude it's "guilty" presence. I hope they could all feel this excited! Not necessarily for our adoption concert but for the same joy and peace knowing that God's got this!  I pray they all have the same hope in God to get them through this tough time as I have that tonight will be spectacular.

Yeah, we all know God has done some miraculous things in our lives, we know "this too shall pass..", we know all things are designed for the greater good and a greater purpose, but do we BELIEVE??

Hope is always right in front of our eyes, it's often found in the same place every time but what about this time...when it's not right in our line of sight & not where we found it last time, then what?

"it's there, look up..!!"

Getting on our horse and getting off our...

Have you ever heard of  "paralysis by analysis"? Where you just sit there and stare a problem until your eyes kind of go out of focus and your mind is lost in the sea of everything that needs to be done. Guys I think when our wives ask us what we're thinking and we say nothing, this is where we're at. But that's how I feel when I look at what we have left to do. Just the paperwork involved is pretty overwhelming. Sometimes I think it must be way easier to just get pregnant. Anyway  I think it's the perfect way to describe this whole process. There is so much to do that it just stuns you into stupidity. Stupid to the point were you would offend all the women who read this by saying paperwork is harder than pregnancy. But, NO!! I'm not that stupid. So I got up off my ..., pointed at the paperwork and said "YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT ME!! Then I did the paperwork & I feel pretty good about it.

Happy Monday
        Matt 

Oh Dear...

My health is GREAT! I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia a couple months ago, but my doctor said that it derives from the adoption process. Pregnant mothers get swollen feet & sometimes gestational diabetes..& I get Fibromyalgia..ehh that's fair enough!  My nerves feel like hot electrical wires waiting to zap my flesh anytime my blood pressure rises but the doctors say that's typical...for me. Moreover, Matt & I are about to celebrate 2 years of marriage...according to tradition, the 2nd anniversary gift is cotton. So I'm thinking about killing two birds with one stone and purchasing cloth diapers. Once Matt is finally potty trained we should have our baby by then and since our monetary status will depreciate tremendously, hand-me-downs will take on a whole new meaning!! ahahaha!

I can't believe my dreams are coming true, a healthy marriage that can withstand the ebb & flow of life & a baby on the way! THANK YOU JESUS!!

Matt's Blog

    So I'm blogging. Some of you may think that as a man, my wife obviously forced me to write this. Well she didn't. I'm Super Husband.

    So adoption could be one of the scariest things that I never thought would be scary. If that doesn't make sense let me explain. Who would ever think that having someone give you an adorable, squishy, tiny person would be scary? But when you're sitting in a room for 8 hrs having someone tell you about the financial, emotional and legal aspects of adoption, you start thinking "What the what??"  Knowing that the process will take 6-15 months and that time doesn't start ticking until you get your first 25% payment made. Then the mothers first impression of you comes from a profile book that we have to make about ourselves and our life together!?!?

     So I'm thinking "How do I make a career bartender, who rents an apartment sound like someone who should be the father of your kid??" I'm still thinking that so to any of you read this, I'm still taking suggestions. Well the good thing is Jennifer is so amazing with kids that she makes up for my extreme inadequacies. I get to be the giant clown in the room. I know for a fact that there is no one else I'd rather have kids with.

     I know that there is a baby out there for us and I know there's a girl out there silly enough to give it to us. Anyway that's what I have to say about adoption for now.

    

My biggest fear is failure.

    I get the biggest punch to the stomach once the email ringtone sounds off on my phone, is it the agency? have they received the latest documents, are we pretty enough? What if I'm too short? Are we educated enough? Are our jobs deal breakers? What about my health?  Side Note: we have had to submit pictures with every application. Most agencies require a scrapbook depicting our family and the birth mother looks through the 4 or 5 scrapbooks to aid her in choosing the perfect family for her child. It certainly feels as though we are partaking in the county jails line up procedure. "Alright, all of you face forward, turn to the left, now face forward. Now, one at a time, firmly state ' I am the next Top Mommy!' 
  
  My Abuela firmly believes, "Mija, no news is good news." However, when the absence of communication with the agencies extend into 21 days the only good news is that the stock in Kleenex & Charmin have hit record numbers due to its rapid demand in the Kelderman Kasa! So, basically, YES I am a basket-case on pretty much any given day. I experience the worthlessness of failure even before I have the opportunity to fail.

I came across this article regarding failure and believe it was available to me at this very time for a reason. I hope it is for you as well!


I have never met a single person whose goal in life was to fail but failure is a reality of life. The key to success is not avoiding failure; it is learning how to handle failure.

·         Beethoven's music teacher once told him that he was a hopeless composer.

·         Abraham Lincoln campaigned for a seat in the Illinois General Assembly and failed. He then opened a general store which failed after only a few months.

·         Walt Disney was fired by the editor of a newspaper for lacking creativity.

·         The Ford Motor Company was Henry Ford's third business. The first two didn't work out.

·         A teacher told Thomas Edison that he was too stupid to learn anything.

·         Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times.

I remember the first time I failed a test. I was in fourth grade and my teacher, Mr. Hightower decided to test us on the names of the states and their capitols. We had been studying them for what seemed like an eternity. I did not like Geography and tended to daydream my way through class. Why did I need to know the names of states I would probably never visit? And what was the big deal about state capitols? As far as I could tell from the pictures in my Geography book, they all looked pretty much the same to me - boring.
Even though I did not like Geography, I had to make 100 on the Geography test. Why? I was only 8-years-old but I knew the unspoken rule that failing a test meant I was a failure.

When Mr. Hightower told us to clear our desks except for one pencil, I panicked. A quick glance at the assignment board revealed nothing. The look of confusion on the faces of my classmates told me that they were just as clueless as I was.
"We are having a little test to see how you are doing in Geography," Mr. Hightower explained. I had three problems with his statement. First, there is no such thing as a "little" test. Second, no one had said anything about having a test, and third, I did not know the names of the states and their capitols. When I voiced my complaints, Mr. Hightower smiled and said it was a "pop quiz."
 
My stomach dropped and I broke out in a cold sweat. My mind raced as I frantically searched for my Geography book. Maybe I could learn the names of a capitol or two while he handed out the tests. "No books allowed Miss Velarde!"
When the blank outline of the United States appeared on my desk, I dissolved into tears.
When I finally stopped crying, Mr. Hightower said,  "what is wrong?" I wailed out what seemed to be a ridiculously obvious explanation.  "I don't know the names of the states or their capitols,"  "Do you know some of them?" he asked. I thought for a moment. "I know some of them but not all of them and that means I'll fail the test," I responded. "Why don't you just do your best and see what happens," he said. I did my best ... and I still failed the test.

Guess what? The world kept spinning. I passed fourth grade and elementary school with flying colors, graduated from high school with honors, attended college on a cheerleading and academic scholarship. And I failed a lot along the way. So did a lot of people in the Bible. I recently read and did a study on the book, Bad Girls of the Bible and learned pretty much everyone was a failure! Adam and Eve blatantly disobeyed God and then lied about their sin. David committed adultery with Bathsheba and then plotted the murder of her husband. Peter bragged about his commitment to Jesus but denied Him - not once - but three times. In fact, it is hard to find Biblical characters who did not fail at some point, but those who learned from their failure and used it as a tool of growth were often used by God to accomplish great things. 
I have come to believe that failure is a necessary part of our growth and maturity as a follower of Jesus Christ. Failure can interpret the unconditional love and forgiveness of God like nothing else can - if we let it. Desperation can be our friend if it makes us crave God and long to see His power unleashed in our lives. Failure is not final but God's grace is.