Getting on our horse and getting off our...

Have you ever heard of  "paralysis by analysis"? Where you just sit there and stare a problem until your eyes kind of go out of focus and your mind is lost in the sea of everything that needs to be done. Guys I think when our wives ask us what we're thinking and we say nothing, this is where we're at. But that's how I feel when I look at what we have left to do. Just the paperwork involved is pretty overwhelming. Sometimes I think it must be way easier to just get pregnant. Anyway  I think it's the perfect way to describe this whole process. There is so much to do that it just stuns you into stupidity. Stupid to the point were you would offend all the women who read this by saying paperwork is harder than pregnancy. But, NO!! I'm not that stupid. So I got up off my ..., pointed at the paperwork and said "YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT ME!! Then I did the paperwork & I feel pretty good about it.

Happy Monday
        Matt 

Oh Dear...

My health is GREAT! I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia a couple months ago, but my doctor said that it derives from the adoption process. Pregnant mothers get swollen feet & sometimes gestational diabetes..& I get Fibromyalgia..ehh that's fair enough!  My nerves feel like hot electrical wires waiting to zap my flesh anytime my blood pressure rises but the doctors say that's typical...for me. Moreover, Matt & I are about to celebrate 2 years of marriage...according to tradition, the 2nd anniversary gift is cotton. So I'm thinking about killing two birds with one stone and purchasing cloth diapers. Once Matt is finally potty trained we should have our baby by then and since our monetary status will depreciate tremendously, hand-me-downs will take on a whole new meaning!! ahahaha!

I can't believe my dreams are coming true, a healthy marriage that can withstand the ebb & flow of life & a baby on the way! THANK YOU JESUS!!

Matt's Blog

    So I'm blogging. Some of you may think that as a man, my wife obviously forced me to write this. Well she didn't. I'm Super Husband.

    So adoption could be one of the scariest things that I never thought would be scary. If that doesn't make sense let me explain. Who would ever think that having someone give you an adorable, squishy, tiny person would be scary? But when you're sitting in a room for 8 hrs having someone tell you about the financial, emotional and legal aspects of adoption, you start thinking "What the what??"  Knowing that the process will take 6-15 months and that time doesn't start ticking until you get your first 25% payment made. Then the mothers first impression of you comes from a profile book that we have to make about ourselves and our life together!?!?

     So I'm thinking "How do I make a career bartender, who rents an apartment sound like someone who should be the father of your kid??" I'm still thinking that so to any of you read this, I'm still taking suggestions. Well the good thing is Jennifer is so amazing with kids that she makes up for my extreme inadequacies. I get to be the giant clown in the room. I know for a fact that there is no one else I'd rather have kids with.

     I know that there is a baby out there for us and I know there's a girl out there silly enough to give it to us. Anyway that's what I have to say about adoption for now.

    

My biggest fear is failure.

    I get the biggest punch to the stomach once the email ringtone sounds off on my phone, is it the agency? have they received the latest documents, are we pretty enough? What if I'm too short? Are we educated enough? Are our jobs deal breakers? What about my health?  Side Note: we have had to submit pictures with every application. Most agencies require a scrapbook depicting our family and the birth mother looks through the 4 or 5 scrapbooks to aid her in choosing the perfect family for her child. It certainly feels as though we are partaking in the county jails line up procedure. "Alright, all of you face forward, turn to the left, now face forward. Now, one at a time, firmly state ' I am the next Top Mommy!' 
  
  My Abuela firmly believes, "Mija, no news is good news." However, when the absence of communication with the agencies extend into 21 days the only good news is that the stock in Kleenex & Charmin have hit record numbers due to its rapid demand in the Kelderman Kasa! So, basically, YES I am a basket-case on pretty much any given day. I experience the worthlessness of failure even before I have the opportunity to fail.

I came across this article regarding failure and believe it was available to me at this very time for a reason. I hope it is for you as well!


I have never met a single person whose goal in life was to fail but failure is a reality of life. The key to success is not avoiding failure; it is learning how to handle failure.

·         Beethoven's music teacher once told him that he was a hopeless composer.

·         Abraham Lincoln campaigned for a seat in the Illinois General Assembly and failed. He then opened a general store which failed after only a few months.

·         Walt Disney was fired by the editor of a newspaper for lacking creativity.

·         The Ford Motor Company was Henry Ford's third business. The first two didn't work out.

·         A teacher told Thomas Edison that he was too stupid to learn anything.

·         Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times.

I remember the first time I failed a test. I was in fourth grade and my teacher, Mr. Hightower decided to test us on the names of the states and their capitols. We had been studying them for what seemed like an eternity. I did not like Geography and tended to daydream my way through class. Why did I need to know the names of states I would probably never visit? And what was the big deal about state capitols? As far as I could tell from the pictures in my Geography book, they all looked pretty much the same to me - boring.
Even though I did not like Geography, I had to make 100 on the Geography test. Why? I was only 8-years-old but I knew the unspoken rule that failing a test meant I was a failure.

When Mr. Hightower told us to clear our desks except for one pencil, I panicked. A quick glance at the assignment board revealed nothing. The look of confusion on the faces of my classmates told me that they were just as clueless as I was.
"We are having a little test to see how you are doing in Geography," Mr. Hightower explained. I had three problems with his statement. First, there is no such thing as a "little" test. Second, no one had said anything about having a test, and third, I did not know the names of the states and their capitols. When I voiced my complaints, Mr. Hightower smiled and said it was a "pop quiz."
 
My stomach dropped and I broke out in a cold sweat. My mind raced as I frantically searched for my Geography book. Maybe I could learn the names of a capitol or two while he handed out the tests. "No books allowed Miss Velarde!"
When the blank outline of the United States appeared on my desk, I dissolved into tears.
When I finally stopped crying, Mr. Hightower said,  "what is wrong?" I wailed out what seemed to be a ridiculously obvious explanation.  "I don't know the names of the states or their capitols,"  "Do you know some of them?" he asked. I thought for a moment. "I know some of them but not all of them and that means I'll fail the test," I responded. "Why don't you just do your best and see what happens," he said. I did my best ... and I still failed the test.

Guess what? The world kept spinning. I passed fourth grade and elementary school with flying colors, graduated from high school with honors, attended college on a cheerleading and academic scholarship. And I failed a lot along the way. So did a lot of people in the Bible. I recently read and did a study on the book, Bad Girls of the Bible and learned pretty much everyone was a failure! Adam and Eve blatantly disobeyed God and then lied about their sin. David committed adultery with Bathsheba and then plotted the murder of her husband. Peter bragged about his commitment to Jesus but denied Him - not once - but three times. In fact, it is hard to find Biblical characters who did not fail at some point, but those who learned from their failure and used it as a tool of growth were often used by God to accomplish great things. 
I have come to believe that failure is a necessary part of our growth and maturity as a follower of Jesus Christ. Failure can interpret the unconditional love and forgiveness of God like nothing else can - if we let it. Desperation can be our friend if it makes us crave God and long to see His power unleashed in our lives. Failure is not final but God's grace is.

Why adoption?

At age 11, I was diagnosed with endometriosis & ovarian cysts. I had surgery every year to year and a half, sometimes twice a year, until the age of 24. I was told by doctors from California to New York that I would have difficulty conceiving. They all would shake their heads somewhat dumbfounded with an inability to treat me, yet they all regurgitated the same nomadic phrase: "you are too young".

 I knew that God was the ultimate say-so the alpha & omega. He knew the desires of my heart. Coming from a broken family, my deepest desire was to be a wife & a mother of 5 boys. (Yeah, I have had ppl tell me how ridiculous that sounds).

As the number of surgeries climbed well into double digits, my faith began to waiver. The Will I thought God had for me was appearing more & more like a practical joke. Especially in May 2005. I paid a visit to my doctor regarding migraines and left with a fingernail-sized blood clot on my pituitary gland. It stemmed from years & years of being placed on birth control (age 11-21). I traded birth control, that supposedly suppressed the growth of cysts & endometriosis, for blood thinners and all the side effects. In September of 2005, I was diagnosed with stage 1 ovarian cancer. Underwent radiation & surgery even missed my college graduation ceremony. After 7 months in remission, I was diagnosed with stage 4 endometrial cancer. Chemo & radiation were the doctors orders, after 15 consecutive days of  aggressive treatment my symptoms grew worse. My mother had to fly in to team up with my doctors and convince me to have the hysterectomy. All I ever wanted was about to be demolished. My mother exclaimed, all she ever wanted was to out live her children. If I did not choose the hysterectomy my chances were grim. If I have a hysterectomy and lose every ounce of possibility to bear children, who then would want me, let alone marry me?
 Is satan trying to take over? God surely wouldn't do this to me right??....or would He?!

I remember coming out of my anesthesia based coma from the hysterectomy recalling Matt passed out with his head on my hospital tray. My mom muttered, "y este pallazo, quien es? No ha salido ni nada?" (who's this clown? He hasn't gone anywhere or has even left the room)!
I'm pretty sure he woke up because he knew we were talking about him in spanish, ;)  6 weeks later after my COMPLETE hysterectomy, I should have turned into an old dried up menopausal young lady. Instead I was experiencing severe abdominal pain & bleeding. Turns out, my body was still producing hormones because it decided to grow a whole ovary in a matter of 6 weeks!! 8 months after that I underwent an Oophorectomy, topping the charts at 16 total surgeries.

My relationship with God has been quite the love/hate relationship, but I always ask for forgiveness and crawl back on His lap and cry. He continues to reassure me that His plan is still in action. I am still His Treasured Princess. Even though I thought God was punishing me through all of this chaos, also known as my health, God gently whispered,  "that is exactly what satan wanted you to believe, he intended all of this to hurt you yet I intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." (Gen. 50:20)


                                                                                                        Because of Him,
                                                                                                     Matt & Jenn Kelderman